Forgiveness Is Not A Weapon
Reclaiming Forgiveness from Abuse
One of the most difficult topics, when it comes to a discussion of forgiveness, is how to deal with forgiveness in cases of abuse and trauma. Someone has willfully and intentionally harmed you, and they’re not sorry.
This is especially complicated when you remain in an ongoing relationship with the person causing the harm, whether it’s a spouse, a family member, a neighbor, a supervisor or colleague at work, or some other kind of connection where it’s more difficult for that relationship to just end.
In these types of ongoing relationships, the person who has harmed you may be demanding forgiveness while having every intention of harming you again. Pressure to “get over it” or “move on” may be applied. Forgiveness becomes a weapon, something owed to the person who has committed the harm, maybe even a healthy dose of gaslighting to convince you there must be something wrong with you for feeling hurt.
Giving into these demands may create temporary peace, but it’s at your expense. Swallowing your feelings, ignoring the harm, trying to move on with no acknowledgement of wrongdoing, no apology, no attempt at restoration… ultimately these will inflict violence upon your sense of self, your sanity, your soul.
Forgiveness and Spiritual Abuse
Demands to forgive are frequently draped in the language of spiritual abuse:
“If you were a good Christian you’d forgive…”
“Remember, the Bible says to honor your father and mother…”
“You promised in front of God, ‘Until death do us part’…”
In such cases the abuser enlists the weight of thousands of years of religious tradition—perhaps even the power of God—into their campaign for your forgiveness.
Through such statements, well-meaning friends, family members, even clergy can reinforce this violence with their encouragement of obligatory forgiveness. It places moral weight on the person who has been harmed, and none on the person who has caused harm.
Reconciliation Requires Mutuality
In my previous post, Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same Thing, I traced out the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation.
Brief summary if you haven’t read it yet: Forgiveness is an individual’s work of healing, refusing to allow the harm that has taken place define us and our behavior toward others. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a two-sided endeavor.
Reconciliation, the repair of the relationship, takes hard work, humility, and courage for both parties. One person demanding forgiveness as if it’s something owed does not accomplish this. It must be a mutual process. If one person is not willing to do that work, it is not the other person’s responsibility to do it for them.
Louder for the people in the back: It is not your responsibility to do the work of reconciliation for the person who has harmed you.
A one-sided attempt at reconciliation comes at one person’s expense: yours. It costs them nothing, but can cost you everything.
Not only does an attempt to patch things up on your own reinforce the abusive behavior, but it ultimately can lead to the trick of self-abandonment. You’re being asked to affirm that your own needs are less important than the needs of the one who has harmed you. And that simply isn’t true.
Sometimes the healthiest outcome is for the relationship to end. This can be a difficult truth to accept, but in some cases it’s the only way to keep yourself safe from ongoing harm. It can be a path toward healing.
What if Reconciliation Does Feel Possible?
If you feel mutual conversation is possible and want to try (even though you know you don’t owe it to them) here are some considerations to keep in mind:
Start by considering what reconciliation would look like to you. Before any conversation with the person who has harmed you, think about the answers to some questions: What needs to be acknowledged? What would need to change? What is necessary for trust to be restored?
Keep your own safety in mind. It is essential that any communication with someone who has harmed you takes place in a way that feels safe. You are the best judge of what feels safe to you. Have support from someone you trust present or on the text/email thread. Only agree to meet in a public place or via videoconferencing where you can leave at any time. Have a clear end time in mind so it does not drag out too long.
Set clear boundaries and expectations. Regardless of who initiated the conversation, you have a right to state what you need from the conversation and to set clear boundaries, especially for things that will not be tolerated.
Discuss accountability. Making endless promises accomplishes nothing without accountability to what’s been promised. How will you know that things will be different? What if they’re not?
Your wants and your needs have to matter in this process if it’s going to work, and these steps can help you to center those as you explore the possibility of healing.
A Final Note
A lot of work has gone into creating the patterns of abuse and harm you have experienced, not only from the abuser, but also from generations of power structures and prejudice about whose needs deserve to be met and whose don’t. It’s going to take time and courage to undo it. Deep breath. You’re doing great.